Friday column: Father, forgive me, for I have juiced

The bad news for Alex Rodriguez is that he’s been revealed as a steroid cheat and a liar.

The good news?

Indulgences are back!

According to The New York Times, indulgences reintroduced in the Roman Catholic Church by Pope John Paul II have “increased markedly” under Benedict XVI.

Asked why the church is bringing them back, Bishop Nicholas A. DiMarzio told The Times, “Because there is sin in the world.”

Really? We hadn’t noticed.

OK, we’ve noticed.

Now, if you’re not Catholic — and even if you are — you might be asking, “What the heck is an indulgence?” Well, it depends on whom you ask.

According to The Times article, it’s a “sort of amnesty from punishment in the afterlife” — think time off from purgatory. But according to Wikipedia, referencing the Catholic Code of Canon Law, an indulgence is a full or partial remission of temporal punishment — think getting voted into the Hall of Fame in spite of being an admitted juicer.

In either case, Rodriguez would seem to stand to benefit. So, what does he need to do?

I know what you’re thinking — make a run for the nearest ATM. But, no, no, Martin Luther, the indulgences of today cannot be sold although, according to The Times, “charitable contributions, combined with other acts,” can help you earn one.

Which is more good news for A-Rod, who in 2001 signed a then-record $250 million contract with the Texas Rangers and is now working on a $275 million, 10-year deal with the Yankees. Charitable contributions are no problem.

Ah, but an indulgence also involves confession — and no, a dodgy sit-down with ESPN’s Peter Gammons doesn’t qualify.

Yes, Rodriguez is to be congratulated for being smarter than Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, who dwell in the land of denial and silence. But his attempt during the Gammons interview to evade and shift responsibility by blaming a) his youth; b) the expectations that came with his contract; and c) “a loosey-goosey era” just doesn’t cut it.

Rodriguez’s other interview sin, as it were, was blaming the messenger — in this case, Selena Roberts of Sports Illustrated, who broke the story about A-Rod’s steroid use and about whom Rodriguez apparently spun some whoppers.

In a real confession, then, besides admitting his cheating and lying, Rodriguez would have to show contrition for breaking God’s injunction against “bearing false witness” (that’s Commandment No. 9, in case you’re keeping score at home.)

So, it won’t be easy. But if Alex can dig deep into his soul — and perhaps his pocket — thanks to John Paul and Benedict, a church indulgence can be his.

And just in time — for baseball’s indulgence of A-Rod and the rest of the steroid cheats has gone on long enough.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.