Friday column: Lies? Bet the House on it

So.

Outfielder Manny Ramirez tested positive for banned substances because his doctor prescribed something for a “personal health issue.”

And NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield came up dirty because “the combination of a prescribed medicine and an over-the-counter medicine reacted together and resulted in a positive drug test.”

Even Louis Caldera — the Ground Zero Fly-by Guy — has a prescription-related excuse for his boo-boo: The suddenly former head of the White House Military Office told The Associated Press he was suffering from severe muscle aches and had been prescribed pain medication.

They say that hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue; if so, those are about the only props virtue is getting these days.

What’s that line uttered by House’s Hugh Laurie? Everybody lies. Let’s update it. Everybody cheats, then lies. No, you’re right — sometimes they lie, then cheat, then lie some more.

Here’s one way athletes lie: “I made a mistake.”

Let’s be clear: When a copy editor misspells a word in 72-point type, that’s a mistake. When an athlete uses steroids or human growth hormone, that’s cheating. Mistake and cheating are not synonymous.

Neither are team and fan, though you wouldn’t know it by the way some jock devotees stick with their favorites through thick and trick — like the Dodgers fans who don’t appear to have a problem with Manny being Manny, even when that turns out to mean Manny being Barry.

Many of the same fans who excoriated the Giants for keeping Barry Bonds — Mr. Steroid — on the payroll, are making excuses for Ramirez — Mr. Female Fertility Drug.

Fans have been known to accuse athletes of being self-absorbed at the expense of the game, saying that for certain athletes, “It’s all about me.” Well, sports fans, guess what? When you support a player like Ramirez or Bonds or A-Rod (or just fill in the cheat), because they help your team win and elevate your little ego, you, too, are saying, “It’s all about me.”

Staying with hypocrisy (a rill that never runs dry), we also have the various enablers — agents, lawyers, flacks — who make a living promoting lies, like so many dung beetles pushing excrement. Where would our heroes be without their sage advice?

In his first — and so far only — public statement, Ramirez followed his lame excuse by saying he’d “been advised not to say anything more for now.” I completely understand. After all, how’s Manny going to know what to say next until Scott Boras has crafted the requisite talking points? It takes time to mold excreta into just the right shape.

Speaking of guano, Mayfield — after trying to float his verbal lead balloon — told the press, “My doctor and I are working with ... NASCAR to resolve this matter.”

I’m sure he’ll get back to us very soon.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.