Oh, and a Red Ryder BB gun ...

From the Washington Post:

Roger Clemens wants charges dropped, no new trial

"Attorneys for former All-Star pitcher Roger Clemens asked a federal judge in Washington to dismiss charges that the Major League baseball legend lied to Congress about using steroids and asked the court to prevent prosecutors from trying him again after his first trial ended in a mistrial this month."

I'm guessing Clemens would also like a personal apology for anyone who ever doubted him, a unanimous, first-ballot entry into the baseball Hall of Fame and milk and cookies for life.

Friday column: Roger Clemens beat rap? Fat chance

Narrow-faced men: Rejoice — you are trustworthy and true.

Or more likely to be, anyway.

Fat-faced men: Rejoice, too.

Yes, you're more likely to lie than your slim-faced brethren but, on the other hand, you're probably more successful in business.

This according to a study reported in The Independent.

The British newspaper said that the study, which tested 192 business students to see how readily they were prepared to lie or cheat in order to gain an advantage, showed "that the width of a man's face relative to his facial height is an indicator of how powerful he feels and of his willingness to surreptitiously break social rules to achieve his goals."

Why? Well, according to the director of the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee study, "Men with larger facial ratios feel more powerful, and this sense of power then leads them to act unethically."

Said The Independent: "The findings suggest that the width-to-height ratio of the face could be an ancient evolutionary signal of a man's aggressiveness when dealing with competitors."

Willingness to bend the rules and to lie might be a selective advantage in Darwinian terms, but it's got to have its drawbacks.

Witness the plight of one William Roger Clemens, whose aggressiveness on the mound helped propel him to 354 big-league wins over a 23-year career. If you believe Major League Baseball's Mitchell Report, many of those wins were also the result of Clemens' willingness to bend the rules when it came to using performance-enhancing drugs.

Was all this good for business? You bet — to the tune of $150 million in career earnings.

On the other hand, Clemens' aggressiveness and sense of power led him to inexplicably charge before Congress and make a number of bald statements — under oath — about never having used steroids or human growth hormone.

His performance was, to put it charitably, a little less than believable, and this week resulted in Clemens being put on trial for perjury.

To a large degree, Clemens' likelihood of becoming a guest of a federal institution depends on the believability of his main accuser, former trainer Brian McNamee, who presented prosecutors with syringes that connect Clemens' DNA with steroids and HGH.

Clemens has an explanation, and of course, it's just possible the pitcher could be telling the truth when he claims that McNamee doctored the syringes in order to blackmail him. We'll wait to see the evidence presented.

In the meantime, let's check the evidence we already can see, keeping the UWM study in mind: Look at Clemens' melon, and now McNamee's.

Hmmm ...

Is it too late for a plea deal?

Friday column: In the long run, is the money enough?

Who steals my purse steals trash; ’t is something, nothing;
’T was mine, ’t is his, and has been slave to thousands;
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.
— from Othello

The outgoing head of baseball’s player union was all about the purse; not its filching — its filling, and fill it he did.

Under Donald Fehr’s leadership, the average major league salary grew from $293,000 to $2.9 million. So, too, grew players’ power and perks.

All this is fine. What worker doesn’t want more money and more control over his environment? Baseball players, who for decades had been abused by management, had to battle owners hard for fair compensation and basic rights. In this, they were more than well served by Fehr.

Fehr’s never-give-an-inch mentality and his focus on improving the financial well-being of the players helped baseball’s union become the envy of professional athletes everywhere. His tooth-and-nail fight against drug testing has to be seen largely in the light of taking care of the players’ pocketbooks: Steroids meant greater performances, and greater performances meant more money.

But that mind-set came with costs.

The vast number of major league steroid users from the “glory days” remain anonymous, which means determining the effects of the illegal performing-enhancing drugs on their aging bodies will be difficult to impossible. But as steroid use can lead to liver tumors and cancer, high blood pressure, heart attack and stroke, there’s no question Fehr, the union and all of baseball put players’ long-term health at risk for financial gain.

Fehr’s long resistance to drug testing came with another price, one easier to gauge.

This year, Mark McGwire, a man with 583 home runs, received 21.9 percent of the votes for the Hall of Fame. Needed for election: 75 percent.

Monday, the Oakland A’s began to honor their 1989 world champion team by giving away replicas of McGwire’s jersey. But the former slugger, who was invited to throw out the first pitch, wasn’t on hand. It seems that even in Oakland he won’t risk being booed, or being hounded by reporters. He might as well be in the witness-protection program.

Ask McGwire today if he would like his reputation back. For that matter, ask Alex Rodriguez or Barry Bonds. Ask Roger Clemens or Raphael Palmeiro. I’m guessing that if they had it to do all over again, they’d take less green in exchange for a good name.

Fehr didn’t make anyone take steroids, but he made it easier for players to do. As Fehr retires, and his legacy is discussed, I’m thinking he, too, would like a do-over with the drug era.

For his name’s sake.

Is he EVER going to learn?

Team Clemens has done it again.

The masterminds that sued Brian McNamee (leading to the release of damaging personal information about Roger Clemens), the brains that wanted Clemens to testify before Congress (leading to what very well might become perjury charges against the former pitcher) have now sent Roger out to discredit the just-released book American Icon: The Fall of Roger Clemens and the Rise of Steroids in America's Pastime.

This was a book getting very little play in the press — until Clemens attacked it. Now, references to it are everywhere you look.

Way to go, guys.

Are we in real trouble here? Roger that …

The week hasn’t gone so well for Roger Clemens.

On Tuesday, former Rep. Tom Davis, who defended Clemens when he testified last year before Congress, told the former pitcher through USA Today that he should "cut your losses." Then he said, "Frankly, I think we'll see (perjury) charges in the Clemens case and they will come around pretty quickly. Lying under oath is serious. It's not like A-Rod lying to Katie Couric in an interview. When you're under oath, you have to tell the truth."

Then Thursday, a judge dismissed most of Clemens’ defamation lawsuit against Brian McNamee – the trainer who fingered Clemens for using HGH and steroids.

The judge did let stand Clemens’ claim that McNamee defamed him when he twice told Andy Pettitte that Clemens had used HGH and steroids. Unfortunately for Clemens, Pettitte has already testified under that McNamee was telling the truth.

If Clemens still wants to pursue that part of the case, McNamee’s lawyers are more than happy to oblige.

"We look forward to litigating that and deposing Andy Pettitte,” Earl Ward said.

It would seem time for Clemens to drop what's left of the the lawsuit, come clean and make a deal. But the next intelligent thing Clemens does in this matter will be his first.

What have you done for us lately?

In 2006, when a certain former Houston Astros pitcher gave $3 million to Memorial Hermann to help build the Texas hospital’s sports medicine clinic, the facility was named the Roger Clemens Institute for Sports Medicine.

At the time, the pitcher in question said, “Throughout my professional career and my life with Debbie and our four sons, I’ve tried to promote the importance of family, good health and fitness.”

What a difference a couple of years, a steroid accusation, a catastrophic appearance before Congress, and — oh — news of a dalliance with a young Country-Western singer, can make.

In December, the hospital announced Clemens’ name was being dropped from the clinic. If you’re wondering, yes, apparently they’re keeping the money.

The University of Miami also is keeping some money — in this case, cash received from one Alex Rodriguez for the renovation of its ball yard, Mark Light Field. The diamond’s rededication and renaming — you’ll never guess what they’re going to call it — is set for Saturday — one week after A-Rod was revealed as a steroid cheat and a liar.

Why the renaming? Let’s just say there are 3.9 million reasons for it. So, goodbye, Mark Light Field; hello, Alex Rodriguez Park.

Despite the steroid news, Miami has no plans to cancel the dedication or the name change. For the life of me, I’m not sure if that makes the U more dishonorable than Memorial Hermann or less.

But back to Mark Light Field. According to hurricanesports.com, in 1974 the then-state-of-the-art field was built with money from a Hurricane booster named George Light, and the field was named after Light’s son, who died of muscular dystrophy.

But that was then and this is now. George Light and his son are both gone, A-Rod and his money are here.

Hmmm … I think I just answered my own question about dishonor.

Friday column: Three pleas, six points

Michael Phelps wants to be treated like any other 23-year-old.

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said after a photo emerged showing him taking a bong hit at a college party.

“I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Three points:

1) Your garden-variety 23-year-old doesn’t make millions of dollars in endorsements. Now, to be sure, Michael, the $100 million your agent said you could earn in your lifetime would be due to your gold medals, not your wholesome lifestyle. But make no mistake: Your sponsors are not paying you to advertise illegal drugs.

2) Twenty-three may be young — but it ain’t 16, either.

3) Your promise that this will not happen again is nice, except you basically promised the same thing after you were arrested on drunken-driving charges at age 19. Adding to the mix is a recent quote from an anonymous party-goer who said that Phelps was “out of control from the moment he got there.”

* * *

Roger Clemens is concerned about credibility.

This in the wake of a Washington Post story that states, “Scientific tests have linked Roger Clemens’ DNA to blood in syringes that a personal trainer says he used to inject the former star pitcher with performance-enhancing drugs, according to two sources familiar with the investigation.”

Clemens, through lawyer Rusty Hardin, is attacking anew the trustworthiness of Brian McNamee, claiming “I would be dumbfounded if any responsible person ever found this to be reliable or credible evidence in any way.”

Two points:

1) After Hardin’s thus-far dismal performance as Clemens’ attorney, I wouldn’t put great stock in his opinion.

2) After his disastrous appearance at a 2008 congressional hearing, the only person Clemens could best in a credibility contest right now is Bernie Madoff.

* * *

Barry Bonds is worried about fairness.

Bonds, though his attorneys, wants evidence showing he used performance-enhancing drugs in 2000, 2001 and 2003 tossed out of his upcoming perjury trial. His lawyers also asked that information about positive drug tests not be released to the public as it could, they said, hinder Bonds’ ability to get a fair trial.

One point: Bonds is one of the biggest cheaters (you can take that in two senses) in the history of the game, and now he’s concerned about “fairness”? Quick, somebody, an irony-meter!

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Friday column: Putting the 'pro' in probation

So.

The Philadelphia district attorney is not charging Marvin Harrison in a May shooting that left three people wounded — despite statements incriminating him from a bystander and from a victim.

Oh well, Harrison might not be the star receiver he once was, but he remains very popular in the land of cheesesteaks — Philly’s his hometown — so I can understand the DA’s decision.

Actually, I think the whole legal process involving players could be made easier — and DAs given a break on the question of whether to indict a jock or not — by a new plea I’ve just devised.

“Plaxico Burress, you’ve been charged with two counts of illegal weapons possession. How do you plead?”

“I plead athlete.”

“Release this man.”

Now, a plea of athlete wouldn’t necessarily get someone off the hook forever; it would be contingent on how well the player subsequently performed. If Burress couldn’t get the New York Giants back to the Super Bowl next season, for instance, it would be off to the slammer. If he could, all would be forgiven.

“Pacman Jones, you’ve been charged with … hmmm … this will take a while … uh, we’ll consider the charges as read; how do you plead?”

“I plead athlete.”

“Turn him loose.”

Jones’ satisfying the court would be more problematic since, at the moment, he’s without a team. But just the fact the Pacman has a real incentive to play well would make him more attractive to the right NFL general manager.

For the sake of fairness, of course, I’d extend the plea’s availability to nonplayers in certain categories.

“Andy Kennedy of the Mississippi Rebels men’s basketball team, you’ve been charged assaulting a cab driver; how do you plead?”

“I plead coach.”

Ole Miss basketball isn’t at the same level, say, as Florida or Kentucky hoops. So Kennedy wouldn’t have to do the impossible — such as get to the Final Four — to stay out of stir. A NCAA Tournament bid would do it, maybe even an NIT invitation — depending upon how big a roundball fan the judge was.

But though I’d extend the plea, it would have limitations.

“Roger Clemens, you’ve been indicted on perjury charges. How do you plead?”

“Uh, athlete?”

“Plea not accepted. You’re retired — and therefore are of no value to anybody who cares about wins and loses. Bailiff, keep this man in custody until he comes up with a new plea — or starts working out again.”

 Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Friday column: Two little words, one fervent plea

It’s been a rough year.

Wall-to-wall presidential politics. Economic collapse. Madonna breaking up with Guy Ritchie.

Before we attempt to move on and heal from the deep psychic wounds left by 2008, it’s best to try and shed some of the year’s more annoying baggage. As the campaigning has stopped (briefly), the economy is beyond my ken (totally), and the Madge will not listen to a word I say, I’d better stick to sports.

So, to certain figures who — unfortunately — populate the Toy Department of Life, herewith my New Year’s greeting, advice and plea all rolled together:

Terrell Owens: Many of you are familiar with Hannah Arendt’s famous phrase “the banality of evil.” In Owens’ case, it’s the banality of ego. And it’s worn … so … thin. Go away.

Manny Ramirez: Probably heeding the advice of your scaly agent, you flat-out quit on your teammates in Boston — even knocked down the team’s 64-year-old traveling secretary — all so you could get out of your $20 million-a-year contract, which obviously wasn’t enough for a talent and personality as special as yours. Go away — and take Scott Boras with you.

Roger Clemens: Your attempted bullying of Brian McNamee and resultant appearance before Congress gave us an up-close-and-personal look at who you really are — a lot closer and more personal than we really wanted to see. Go away.

Pacman Jones: Back to the banality of ego, with some actual evil thrown in. Your continued thuggery followed by promises to reform followed by further thuggery … well, to use one word: BORING. Go away.

Plaxico Burress: Your wide-receiver-diva act isn’t even original; Terrell Owens plowed that field long ago. Adding criminality might have been interesting — but it was such stupid criminality. Go away.

Michael Vick: Gosh, Mike, it turns out you weren’t needed in Atlanta. Even your more rabid supporters — you know, the ones who didn’t care that you tortured and killed dogs as long as you scored touchdowns — even they don’t miss you because of the arrival of rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. So go away. Wait — that’s right, you’ve already gone away. So stay away.

John Daly (sigh): You keep coming up with new ways to embarrass yourself, but each time you insist your problem is simply one of perception. Yes, you do see that you’re viewed as a sloppy boozer on a Twinkie binge who’s pissing on the prodigious talent God gave you — but you’re absolutely astounded as to what’s fueling that idea. It’s always the press or someone else who’s out to get you. Guess what, John? You’re out to get you, and you’re succeeding. Now go away.

There — I don’t know about you, but I feel lighter already. Happy New Year.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Now this is a tough call

So.

A judge in Houston is deciding whether to throw out Roger Clemens’ defamation suit against Brian McNamee.

If the judge does toss it out, McNamee, whom I believe is telling the truth about his former boss’ use of illegal, performance-enhancing drugs, is spared further legal expense — which he certainly can’t afford — and justice prevails.

On the other hand, if the case goes forward, we move to the discovery phase, which almost certainly means more embarrassing revelations about Clemens, including his alleged fling with a teenage Country-Western singer.

So.

What should we root for here? Justice or dirt? Justice or dirt? Justice or …?

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/04/sports/baseball/04clemens.html?scp=2&sq=roger%20clemens&st=cse