Friday column: Money has nothing to do with it

Plaxico Burress doesn’t like New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin, which he made clear in a recent interview for Men’s Journal.

Burress discussed Coughlin’s reaction to the wide receiver accidentally shooting himself in a nightclub — a gun-law violation for which he would spend 20 months in prison.
“After my situation happened,” Burress said, “I turned on the TV and the first words out [Coughlin’s] mouth was ‘sad and disappointing.’

“I’m like, forget support — how about some concern? I did just have a bullet in my leg. And then I sat in his office, and he pushed back his chair and goes, “I’m glad you didn’t kill anybody!’ Man, we’re paid too much to be treated like kids. He doesn’t realize that we’re grown men and actually have kids of our own.”

As a Pittsburgh Steeler, this grown man was fined for not bothering to show up for practice. As a New York Giant, he sulked and reportedly feigned injury when unhappy with his contract and was suspended and fined for violating team rules.

This grown man twice has had temporary restraining orders issued against him after domestic disturbances. This grown man has been sued nine times since joining the NFL in 2000, including by a woman who claims Burress’ $140,000 Mercedes Benz hit the back of her car, causing her permanent injury. The accident occurred three days after the millionaire athlete’s insurance had been canceled for nonpayment of premium.

Burress is 34.

* * *

Kurt Busch doesn’t like the truth, an attitude he displayed in a couple of ways Saturday after a NASCAR race in which he tangled with Jimmie Johnson — again.

Joe Menzer’s mild questioning of Busch about his contentious relationship with Johnson resulted in the driver yelling expletives at Menzer and calling him names. Reportedly, Busch had to be physically restrained from going after the NASCAR.com reporter.

Later, Jenna Fryer of The Associated Press asked Busch a question about the driver claiming to be “in Johnson’s head” only to be cut off with “I didn’t say that.”

Shown the transcript, Busch grabbed it from Fryer and tore it up and threw it down.

Busch has a history of run-ins with other drivers and is no stranger to poor decisions — witness his 2005 arrest on charges of drunken driving and reckless driving.

Busch is 33.

* * *

The Williamses — Serena in particular — do not like facing up to facts.

Type in Serena’s name followed by the word “blame” and you’ll find “Williams blamed a headache,” “Williams blamed the tennis balls,” “Williams blames not tying her shoelaces right” and so on.

On Sunday, her mother, Oracene, took up Serena’s cause after her loss to Samantha Stosur in the finals of the U.S. Open, a loss low-lighted by Williams’ invective against the chair umpire that included the following:

“Aren’t you the one who screwed me over last time here? Do you have it out for me?

“You’re out of control.”

“You’re a hater, and you’re just unattractive inside.”

In 10 days Serena will be 30.

Serena, of course, also blew up in a 2009 U.S. Open semifinal when called for a foot fault against Kim Clijsters, her profanity-laced tirade at a line judge leading to a $10,000 fine from the U.S. Tennis Association and a record $82,500 fine from Grand Slam committee director Bill Babcock.

Oracene seemed to encapsulate the family attitude Sunday when she told reporters, “It’s just always something. And it seems to happen to us.”

Seems to happen to us.

It doesn’t happen to the Williams sisters; they create it. The same way they created their rise from the municipal courts of Compton, Calif., to centre court at Wimbledon.

That was their doing. Serena has won eight Grand Slam singles titles and is arguably the greatest female player in history. That’s her doing.

She’s also arguably the most boorish female player in history; that’s also her doing.

“Man,” Plaxico Burress complained, “we’re paid too much to be treated like kids.”

Really?

Friday column: I’m taking Darwin and the points

It appears that the Super Bowl could be hazardous to your health.

Citing a study showing that heart attacks and other cardiac emergencies doubled in Munich when the German national team played World Cup matches, doctors are warning Americans — especially those with known heart issues — to not get too excited during Sunday’s Big Game.

“I know a little bit about the Super Bowl,” study author Dr. Gerhard Steinbeck of Ludwig Maximilians University in Munich told The Associated Press. “It’s reasonable to think that something quite similar might happen.”

In the study, The AP said, Steinbeck and his colleagues “blamed emotional stress for the heart problems, but they note that lack of sleep, overeating, wolfing down junk food, boozing and smoking might have played a role too.”

So, boozing, smoking, night-owling and junk-food eating by people who already know they have heart problems — combined with getting overstimulated by watching complete strangers carry, kick and throw a leather oval to and fro — could cause some of them to move to the Big Stadium in the Sky.

I believe there’s a term for this eventuality.

Natural selection.

* * *

While we’re on the subject of brilliant behavior, I offer the actions of one Deon Anderson of the Dallas Cowboys.

According to police, Anderson got into a early-morning dispute with another man this week outside a restaurant/saloon at, oh, just about closing time.

When the man begin laughing, Anderson allegedly pulled a gun.

While I’m sure that at the time the move seemed a reasonable response to mirth, the Cowboys fullback may feel differently now that he’s been arrested on a charge of deadly conduct. The police, you see, found the gun in nearby shrubs — loaded and with a round chambered.

Besides his legal problems, Anderson is likely to face certain employment difficulties. The NFL, I believe, frowns on this sort of breach of decorum.

Before pulling the weapon — in fact, before driving to a bar with one — Anderson would have done well to consider a couple of recent incidents involving athletes and guns.

Plaxico Burress, late of the New York Giants, is in prison for his little 2008 nightclub mishap.

And Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton, soon to be late of the Washington Wizards, have been suspended for the rest of this NBA season — sans pay — for bringing manhood extensions into their locker room.

As neither of these episodes ended well for the athletes involved, one would have thought Mr. Anderson would have paid attention.

I guess not.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Just asking

Wait a minute.

An arbitrator has ruled the New York Giants can’t recoup $1 million from the signing bonus of Plaxico (Quick Draw McGraw) Burress because money already earned, such as a signing bonus, can’t be forfeited even if a player subsequently gets into trouble.

But according to Burress’ contract, a portion of his bonus is to be repaid "if the player was unable to perform due to his own misconduct."

Doesn’t shooting yourself in the thigh with your own (unregistered) gun at a nightclub — leading to a hospital stay, an arrest and a club suspension — qualify as the player’s own misconduct?

Friday column: Putting the 'pro' in probation

So.

The Philadelphia district attorney is not charging Marvin Harrison in a May shooting that left three people wounded — despite statements incriminating him from a bystander and from a victim.

Oh well, Harrison might not be the star receiver he once was, but he remains very popular in the land of cheesesteaks — Philly’s his hometown — so I can understand the DA’s decision.

Actually, I think the whole legal process involving players could be made easier — and DAs given a break on the question of whether to indict a jock or not — by a new plea I’ve just devised.

“Plaxico Burress, you’ve been charged with two counts of illegal weapons possession. How do you plead?”

“I plead athlete.”

“Release this man.”

Now, a plea of athlete wouldn’t necessarily get someone off the hook forever; it would be contingent on how well the player subsequently performed. If Burress couldn’t get the New York Giants back to the Super Bowl next season, for instance, it would be off to the slammer. If he could, all would be forgiven.

“Pacman Jones, you’ve been charged with … hmmm … this will take a while … uh, we’ll consider the charges as read; how do you plead?”

“I plead athlete.”

“Turn him loose.”

Jones’ satisfying the court would be more problematic since, at the moment, he’s without a team. But just the fact the Pacman has a real incentive to play well would make him more attractive to the right NFL general manager.

For the sake of fairness, of course, I’d extend the plea’s availability to nonplayers in certain categories.

“Andy Kennedy of the Mississippi Rebels men’s basketball team, you’ve been charged assaulting a cab driver; how do you plead?”

“I plead coach.”

Ole Miss basketball isn’t at the same level, say, as Florida or Kentucky hoops. So Kennedy wouldn’t have to do the impossible — such as get to the Final Four — to stay out of stir. A NCAA Tournament bid would do it, maybe even an NIT invitation — depending upon how big a roundball fan the judge was.

But though I’d extend the plea, it would have limitations.

“Roger Clemens, you’ve been indicted on perjury charges. How do you plead?”

“Uh, athlete?”

“Plea not accepted. You’re retired — and therefore are of no value to anybody who cares about wins and loses. Bailiff, keep this man in custody until he comes up with a new plea — or starts working out again.”

 Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Friday column: Two little words, one fervent plea

It’s been a rough year.

Wall-to-wall presidential politics. Economic collapse. Madonna breaking up with Guy Ritchie.

Before we attempt to move on and heal from the deep psychic wounds left by 2008, it’s best to try and shed some of the year’s more annoying baggage. As the campaigning has stopped (briefly), the economy is beyond my ken (totally), and the Madge will not listen to a word I say, I’d better stick to sports.

So, to certain figures who — unfortunately — populate the Toy Department of Life, herewith my New Year’s greeting, advice and plea all rolled together:

Terrell Owens: Many of you are familiar with Hannah Arendt’s famous phrase “the banality of evil.” In Owens’ case, it’s the banality of ego. And it’s worn … so … thin. Go away.

Manny Ramirez: Probably heeding the advice of your scaly agent, you flat-out quit on your teammates in Boston — even knocked down the team’s 64-year-old traveling secretary — all so you could get out of your $20 million-a-year contract, which obviously wasn’t enough for a talent and personality as special as yours. Go away — and take Scott Boras with you.

Roger Clemens: Your attempted bullying of Brian McNamee and resultant appearance before Congress gave us an up-close-and-personal look at who you really are — a lot closer and more personal than we really wanted to see. Go away.

Pacman Jones: Back to the banality of ego, with some actual evil thrown in. Your continued thuggery followed by promises to reform followed by further thuggery … well, to use one word: BORING. Go away.

Plaxico Burress: Your wide-receiver-diva act isn’t even original; Terrell Owens plowed that field long ago. Adding criminality might have been interesting — but it was such stupid criminality. Go away.

Michael Vick: Gosh, Mike, it turns out you weren’t needed in Atlanta. Even your more rabid supporters — you know, the ones who didn’t care that you tortured and killed dogs as long as you scored touchdowns — even they don’t miss you because of the arrival of rookie quarterback Matt Ryan. So go away. Wait — that’s right, you’ve already gone away. So stay away.

John Daly (sigh): You keep coming up with new ways to embarrass yourself, but each time you insist your problem is simply one of perception. Yes, you do see that you’re viewed as a sloppy boozer on a Twinkie binge who’s pissing on the prodigious talent God gave you — but you’re absolutely astounded as to what’s fueling that idea. It’s always the press or someone else who’s out to get you. Guess what, John? You’re out to get you, and you’re succeeding. Now go away.

There — I don’t know about you, but I feel lighter already. Happy New Year.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Better save that suitcase for your lawyers ...

Ah, Plaxico, Plaxico …

It’s not surprising that someone who carried an unregistered gun into a New York nightclub might have another one or two weapons lying around his house.

In the case of Plaxico Burress, it was two — a 9-mm handgun and a rifle — along with ammunition for three other guns that were found when police recently raided his home.

As of Thursday, police had not determined whether these — unlike the Glock pistol with which he shot himself in the thigh at the Latin Quarter — were legally possessed or not.

Burress, it seems, has difficulties with rules; to him, they simply don’t apply. Witness the other little legal scrape Burress finds himself in — being the target of a civil suit for rear-ending a woman in Florida.

With a price tag of $140,000, Burress’ Mercedes-Benz most likely had every little accessory a modern-day jock-hero could possible need — except a piece of paper showing valid proof of insurance. It seems our star’s insurance had run out three days before the accident — he had neglected to pay the premiums.

Not that he didn’t have the money; in fact, in their raid of Burress’ home, police a suitcase full of cash — the perfect accessory for one’s next get-a-way weekend.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3791174

The usual suspects

So.

The NFL Players Association is appealing the fine and suspension given Plaxico (Quick Draw McGraw) Burress after his little nightclub shooting incident.

What a surprise.

The NFLPA, after all, exists in part to contest the consequences of bad behavior, coming to the aid of such notables as Michael Vick and Pacman Jones.

That’s what the union does, I mean, when it’s not allegedly conspiring with EA Sports to cheat retired players out of the money due them for use of their likenesses in the popular Madden NFL game.

http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20080930-lawsuit-nflpa-conspired-with-ea-to-cheat-retired-players.html

Also coming to the defense of Burress is Miami linebacker Joey Porter. (That's him above in one of his calmer moments.)

"For a person to carry a gun, I mean, you're not carrying a gun to show that ‘I'm tough.’ It's safety, it's nothing but safety," Porter said.

And exactly how did carrying a loaded pistol — which his firing into his thigh indicates he obviously didn’t know how to handle — make Burress safe?

It should be noted that Porter is sensitive to the issue of player fines, having been hit in the wallet several times himself, most notably for nearly $150,000 after attacking Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones in a Vegas casino in 2007.

Collateral damage

Something Plaxico Burress might want to consider — but judging from his history, probably won’t — is the trouble his little gun incident has caused for others.

Let’s see, whom do we have?

There’s his teammate Antonio Pierce (seen above), who could be in legal jeopardy for allegedly taking Quick Draw McGraw’s .40-caliber Glock pistol home.

There’s the entire Giants team, which has to deal with yet another Burress-created distraction, and has to try to get back to the Super Bowl without the services of their most-talented wide receiver.

There’s NewYork-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell hospital — which might be in trouble for not reporting a gunshot wound, as required by law — and specifically Dr. Josyann Abisaab, who has been suspended by the hospital. Whoever allowed Burress to register under an assumed name also has some explaining to do.

There’s the NFL, which has been accused by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg for not promptly reporting the shooting to the authorities, as well as for failing to make players available for interviews.

All this because of a 31-year-old adolescent who has been coddled for years just because he can catch a freakin’ football.

Is this a great country or what?

Actually, I forgot to mention the NYPD, which has been accused by some of not taking the case as seriously as they might have if the alleged perp wasn’t a hero of Super Bowl XLII.

When Burress was booked Monday, one detective reportedly told him, "You better get back, bro. We need you for the play-offs."

Actually, what we need, detective — and this goes for all of Burress' helpers and enablers — is a little perspective and judgment.

Watch out for those “friends”

I was thinking Thursday afternoon about the Giants’ Antonio Pierce, and how his trying to help his foolish and selfish friend, Plaxico Burress, could land him in a lot of trouble (see above blog item), when news concerning Texas Tech’s Michael Crabtree moved on the wire.

Crabtree, a redshirt freshman, already might be the best college football player in the nation and is projected as a likely first-round draft pick on 2011.

That would mean millions of dollars and a dream realized.

Yet there was Crabtree being rousted in the early a.m. Thursday while DEA agents searched his Lubbock apartment for drugs.

Crabtree wasn’t the target — teammate/roommate De'Shon Sanders was — but if Crabtree had been dragged into the probe, he wouldn’t have been the first roommate accidentally netted in a drug bust.

Sanders was cuffed and taken to jail, booked on charges of dealing cocaine.

Crabtree, meanwhile, was left to ponder the importance of choosing one’s friends wisely.

There goes your credibility, counselor

"He is standing tall. He is a mature adult." — Attorney Benjamin Brafman on Plaxico Burress after the Giants' wide receiver was arraigned Monday on two separate counts of a weapons charge

o o o

Please.

I understand that lawyers are paid to lie — wait, did I say lie? I meant, put the best spin on a client and his situation. And as someone who has represented mobsters, Brafman has some practice with this. But calling Burress a mature adult?

By what standard, counselor?

There’s the 40-50 times Burress has been fined by the Giants for a variety of infractions. There’s his multiple suspensions. There’s his attitude about all of the above, which can be summed up in two words: Who cares?

Then there’s the maturity he demonstrated Friday night, not only in shooting himself in the thigh with a gun he had stuck in the waistband of his sweatpants, but afterward at a hospital, where he gave his name as “Harris Smith,” as though the 6-foot, 5-inch athlete with the scraggly beard — a hero of last year’s Super Bowl — could go unrecognized.

Then there was his reaction to his impending arrest — laughter, according to some of his New York teammates.

I think I’d drop the “mature adult” theme, counselor. If Burress is a “mature adult,” then Sammy "the Bull" Gravano — your former client — is Mother Theresa.

Exactly WHAT was he thinking?

The Rev. Al Sharpton can be a blowhard and a race-baiter. You doubt it? Think Tawana Brawley. Think the Duke lacrosse team “rape” case.

But he’s right to be upset about a Steve Serby column in the New York Post that began “Good for Tom Coughlin. Good for Coughlin for tightening the noose around Plaxico Burress.”

Raising the image of a rope around the neck of a black man? No can do. No should do. Lynching of African Americans took place in my lifetime. Lynching of African Americans took place in Serby’s lifetime.

What’s the statute of limitations on such a reference? I don’t know, but I do know we haven’t reached it. Any more than we’ve reached a place where blithe references can be made about Jews and the Holocaust.

(By the way, according to USA Today, at least four students from a suburban St. Louis middle school were facing possible suspensions for allegedly hitting Jewish classmates during what they called "Hit a Jew Day.")

Not only should Serby have known better, his editors should have known better.

“To make such a blatant racist statement about an African-American football player with a neck injury is completely unacceptable,” Sharpton said. “Clearly, the racial connotation is very disturbing …”

Yes, Sharpton can be a blowhard. In this case, however, he’s right.