Friday column: Putting the 'pro' in probation

So.

The Philadelphia district attorney is not charging Marvin Harrison in a May shooting that left three people wounded — despite statements incriminating him from a bystander and from a victim.

Oh well, Harrison might not be the star receiver he once was, but he remains very popular in the land of cheesesteaks — Philly’s his hometown — so I can understand the DA’s decision.

Actually, I think the whole legal process involving players could be made easier — and DAs given a break on the question of whether to indict a jock or not — by a new plea I’ve just devised.

“Plaxico Burress, you’ve been charged with two counts of illegal weapons possession. How do you plead?”

“I plead athlete.”

“Release this man.”

Now, a plea of athlete wouldn’t necessarily get someone off the hook forever; it would be contingent on how well the player subsequently performed. If Burress couldn’t get the New York Giants back to the Super Bowl next season, for instance, it would be off to the slammer. If he could, all would be forgiven.

“Pacman Jones, you’ve been charged with … hmmm … this will take a while … uh, we’ll consider the charges as read; how do you plead?”

“I plead athlete.”

“Turn him loose.”

Jones’ satisfying the court would be more problematic since, at the moment, he’s without a team. But just the fact the Pacman has a real incentive to play well would make him more attractive to the right NFL general manager.

For the sake of fairness, of course, I’d extend the plea’s availability to nonplayers in certain categories.

“Andy Kennedy of the Mississippi Rebels men’s basketball team, you’ve been charged assaulting a cab driver; how do you plead?”

“I plead coach.”

Ole Miss basketball isn’t at the same level, say, as Florida or Kentucky hoops. So Kennedy wouldn’t have to do the impossible — such as get to the Final Four — to stay out of stir. A NCAA Tournament bid would do it, maybe even an NIT invitation — depending upon how big a roundball fan the judge was.

But though I’d extend the plea, it would have limitations.

“Roger Clemens, you’ve been indicted on perjury charges. How do you plead?”

“Uh, athlete?”

“Plea not accepted. You’re retired — and therefore are of no value to anybody who cares about wins and loses. Bailiff, keep this man in custody until he comes up with a new plea — or starts working out again.”

 Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.