Friday column: No, no, Kevin — that's not how you do it!

Poor Kevin Durant.

Doesn’t this clueless kid know how the NBA superstar game is supposed to be played?

First of all, even if you are going to stay with your current team, you don’t just sign an extension and be done with it — you play the string out, keep the fans guessing, keep the pub flowing.

Then you visit your suitors — no, no, that’s wrong; you make your suitors come to you.

On bended knee.

With open wallet.

And puckered lips.

You get ink-stained wretches and their broadcast equivalents to talk about you for days on end.

Then you get a money-grubbing, no-sense-of-proportion network to do an hourlong special — hourlong! — on your momentous “decision” (drum roll, please).

The whole world is watching!

With LeBron James — I mean King James … Lord James? — showing the way, building his brand, how could Durant just quietly re-up for five years with Oklahoma City. Oklahoma City?

Tweeted Durant: “God Is Great, me and my family came a long way.”

Said Durant’s agent: “Kevin wanted to make this commitment to the Thunder because he and his family are very appreciative of the commitment that the Thunder have made to him.”

Appreciation? Commitment?

I’m worried about this kid. I fear he’s got the wrong attitude, a poor approach. He’ll never become a billionaire or a global icon this way.

* * *

The funniest line I read during the free-agent “recruitment” process came from Pat Riley, once and future coach of the Heat.

The Miami president said he was confident of star guard Dwyane Wade’s return to South Beach in part, he said, because “We’re about stability. And we’re about family.”

Family?

Tell that to Stan Van Gundy, the Heat head coach Riley kicked to the curb four years ago in his rush to collect his sixth NBA championship ring as a coach. For Riley, the 2006 ring was his first since leaving Magic Johnson and the Lakers, and thus a form of validation.

To get the ring, Riley had to convince Van Gundy that Van Gundy really needed to spend “more time with (his) family,” thus opening a spot for Riles’ return to the bench — this a season after Van Gundy had coached the Heat within a victory of the NBA Finals.

Now, with Wade’s return and the addition of James and power forward Chris Bosh, the Heat suddenly are relevant again. I wonder if that makes Miami head coach Erik Spoelstra just a little bit nervous. I wonder how much time Spoelstra’s been spending with his family.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.