Friday column: Great moments in fatherhood

So.

You’re a parent of a teenager trying out for a team in the Greater Toronto Hockey League.

Your son doesn’t make the roster — alas. Do you:

A) Tell your son to practice harder and try again next year?

B) Stoke his determination with stories about great stars who were cut early in their careers.

C) Sue the bastards.

If you’re like two fathers whose respective pride and joy didn’t measure up during tryouts for the Avalanche Minor Sports Club midget junior A team, the amazingly-silly-but-hardly-surprising-in-this-day-and-age answer is … C.

I’d name the patresfamilias, but if you’re a dad who is egocentric enough to sue over your son getting cut from a youth team, you’re egocentric enough to enjoy the notoriety.

Let’s just call them Lame Dad 1 and Lame Dad 2. Both lame dads cited damage to the fragile morale of their precious boys as the reason for burdening the Canadian court system with such piffle.

“Their direct actions have caused irreparable psychological damage to (the boy’s) self-esteem as an impressionable teenager and demoralized (him) as an athlete and team hockey player with his peers,” Lame Dad 1’s statement of claim reads: “The conduct by all defendants destroyed the dignity of my son, whom in good conscience gave his team nothing but his best efforts.”

The statement of claim from Lame Dad 2 states: “When (our son) was advised of his termination by my wife and I, he vowed never to play the game he loved since childhood. And, moreover, this misguided group of defendants demoralized my wife and I, whom had gone well beyond the call of duty as parents in support of the Toronto Avalanche hockey team for two seasons.”

Deep breath, everyone. All together now — and don’t forget the descending tone — one, two, three … awwwwwwww!

Yes, nothing like a dad preparing his progeny for the vicissitudes of life by encouraging the idea that when anything bad happens to you, it’s definitely someone else’s fault. So go in the corner and sulk.

Then sue.

Unfortunately, for Lame Dad 2, his son managed to get a gig with another team, which necessitated the following additional sentence in the statement of claim:

“Thank the good Lord that my son had the courage and strength to compose himself in his demoralized state.”

Yes, thank the good Lord, indeed, though the boy’s ability to summon such courage and strength does undercut Lame Dad 2’s claim of his son’s disheartenment. But then, maybe he should just come clean and sue in his own name, as he’s the one who seems demoralized.

My son can’t even make the team — what does that say about me?

Actually, that says nothing about you. Your going to court over this — I’m talking to both you lame dads — says a lot about you.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Cue Inspector Callahan

I have a favorite bullfighter.

As of Sunday.

The man’s name is Christian Hernandez, and you may have seen him in action on the news or on YouTube waving his cape in his bull’s general direction, then taking off like a rocket and vaulting over the wall for safety.

Hernandez, who several months ago had been seriously gored, didn’t mince words after the “fight.”

"There are some things you must be aware of about yourself," Hernandez, a 22-year-old Mexican, said. “I didn't have the ability, I didn't have the balls, this is not my thing.”

I’ve never had a favorite bullfighter before. What’s that? Hernandez said he’s quitting? OK, so I have a favorite former bullfighter.

As Dirty Harry so eloquently put it: "A man's got to know his limitations."

What? No O.J. Simpson?

Reggie Bush’s lawyer says the former USC star fully cooperated with the NCAA investigation into allegations he and his family accepted illicit benefits — such as living rent-free — while Bush was a star with the Trojans.

The NCAA says he didn’t cooperate fully.

Hmmmm. Who to believe? Who to believe?

Bush attorney Shawn Chapman Holley said his client sat down with the NCAA though he couldn’t be compelled to do so. The NCAA said that while that may be so, Bush failed to provide information that could have backed up his claim of innocence.

Holley insisted that Bush’s willing to meet with the NCAA investigators showed “he had nothing to hide.”

So, who to believe?

What's that, you say? Holley’s former clients include Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Mike Tyson?

That rather makes my decision a bit easier.

Bush, second take

So.

Reggie Bush regrets the effect on USC of the NCAA penalties imposed on the school in large part because the extra benefits he reportedly received.

Bush said that to him it’s the “closest thing to death without dying.”

Spare me the tears.

Bush was just another young athlete who just couldn’t wait for the gravy train. If what the NCAA alleges is true — and I believe their investigators — Bush and his family were greedy.

Period.

As for Pete Carroll and USC, here’s my strong guess: They couldn’t have and should have known something was up with Bush. Like many coaches and programs, they didn’t want to know.

It’s just a game — no, really

You’re Nicholis Williams, a 29-year-old man with a 10-year-old son. You’re watching your kid play baseball and don’t think he’s getting as many at-bats as other boys.

So … you … curse the coach?

OK, well that’s not the brightest or most gentlemanly thing to do, but at least he didn’t pull a gun, right?

Right?

After the game, Williams and coach Joe Powell walked to Williams’ car, and Williams did, indeed, pull a handgun and point it at Williams.

Williams actually had a gun permit, but that’s been suspended now that Williams has been arrested by police and charged with felony aggravated assault.

Ah, the lessons our youth can learn through sport …

Friday column: Maturity issues and other problems

Two weeks ago, I wrote about the graciousness of Armando Galarraga. Last week, I wrote about the remarkable life of John Wooden. Will we have three uplifting columns in a row?

No, thank goodness. OK, let’s not thank goodness; let’s thank Vince Young, the University of Southern California and Albert Haynesworth.

Young, the former University of Texas star, now the quarterback and wannabe leader of the NFL’s Tennessee Titans, got involved Sunday in a way-past-bedtime scuffle at a … wait for it … strip club.

Video surveillance showed Young getting violent after a man made derogatory remarks about UT and flashed an upside-down “Hook ’em, Horns” sign.

Let me repeat that. Young, who has been attempting to show the Titans he’s no longer the pouting, immature jock who couldn’t stand to be booed and whose erratic behavior had his mother worried about his emotional stability, attacked a man because of an upside-down rah-rah sign.

What’s that sound, you ask? Yes, I heard it, too. I’m pretty sure that was Titans head coach Jeff Fisher, still sighing.

Of course, the team Young’s Longhorns beat in the 2006 BCS title game — Southern Cal — has its own problems, thanks in part to that game’s other marquee talent — Reggie Bush.

According to the NCAA, Bush and his family received extra benefits — hundreds of thousands of dollars have been alleged. As a result, the football program has been slammed with major sanctions, including forfeiture of victories, loss of scholarships and four years probation.

The severity of the punishments is linked to the finding of a lack of institutional control at the school, which also was hit for special benefits provided another “I want it now” jock, former basketball star O.J. Mayo.

Mayo’s coach, Tim Floyd, who was accused of being his own bagman in securing Mayo’s services for the Trojans, is long gone from the scene. Also gone is football coach Pete Carroll, who in the offseason suddenly developed an itch to jump to the NFL.

Of course, Carroll insists, the prospect of major NCAA penalties had nothing to do with his decision.

And I believe Carroll; sure, I do. But, then, I believe BP will get a handle on this oil thing any minute now.

Speaking of spurting crude, it’s hard to imagine an athlete leaking more credibility at the moment than Haynesworth.

The Washington defensive tackle was a no-show at practice this week. It seems Haynesworth, who already has collected $32 million on the $100 million contract he signed last year, is miffed at the team’s switch from a 3-4 defense to a 4-3 alignment, and wants to be traded.

Even his teammates are supporting the team’s attempt to reclaim some of the money they’ve paid to Haynesworth, who was a bust in his first year with the club.

Say this for Haynesworth: He might be a selfish, childish jerk, but at least the former Tennessee Volunteer waited until he turned pro to get paid.

Um … as far as we know.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Dumb and not-so-dumb

Mathias Kiwanuka is smarter than Ben Roethlisberger.

How do I know this?

In June 2006, Roethlisberger was injured in a motorcycle accident. He went over his handlebars and hit — head-first — into the windshield of a car. He was not wearing a helmet.

According to Wikipedia, police sources said “Roethlisberger suffered fractures to the jaw and right sinus cavity, as well as a nine-inch laceration to the back of the head, the loss of two teeth, and several chipped teeth. His facial injuries were severe enough that witnesses on the scene did not immediately recognize him, even after he identified himself as ‘Ben.’ ”

Yet after the accident, he continued to ride — sometimes, despite pledges to the contrary — sans helmet.

New York Giants defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka wasn’t even in an accident and has decided to stop riding — period. Watching his brother get seriously injured was enough.

Benedict Kiwanuka reportedly broke several bones, suffered internal injuries and there were doubts for two days about his survival.

"You go through something like that and you realize how much of a gift life is and how short it can be," Kiwanuka said. "(You) just try to make better decisions and for me, in the position I was in watching that and knowing what I have left to do, not in just football but on this Earth, it's enough to wake you up and realize there are better ways to have fun."

Kiwanuka is smarter than Roethlisberger — which, admittedly, isn't saying much.