Friday column: Brewing up a little wisdom

So.

Lindsay Lohan just borrowed a $2,500 necklace.

Well, sure; why not? After all, the rich are different from you and me. And the celebrity rich? They’re in a completely different universe. So a swank store allowing a celeb to prance out the door with such an ornament is not beyond the realm …

Therefore, I’m with the defense. Up to a point. And that point is reached when an anonymous member of Lohan’s entourage says the following:

“Lindsay doesn’t understand how the store can file a police report when they let her borrow the necklace. She’s used to getting gifted items that are worth way more than that. And why would (Lindsay) steal a necklace? She has tons of jewelry and doesn’t need anymore.”

Why would she steal a necklace?

Has the source forgotten the subject in question? Anyone who can pose a question beginning with the words, “Why would Lindsay … ” is detached from reality.

Seemingly, one might more profitably ask, “Why would a 46-year-old congressman with a wife and a young son and, presumably, a political future try to pass himself off as a divorced, 39-year-old lobbyist — and e-mail a photo of his flexing, shirtless self to a woman he met on Craigslist?”

That’s a question now-former Rep. Christopher Lee, R-NY, will be asking himself for — oh, let me see — the rest of his life. As will his family. As will anyone who voted for him. As will many who did not.

(Quick aside: As we learned in the Brett Favre fiasco, texting photos of your naked self is generally not a good idea.)

Frankly, I doubt the congressman or anybody else will arrive at a definitive and edifying answer.

But if anyone does, that person might move on to the question of why Albert Haynesworth in his Ford F-150 pickup last week allegedly felt the need to chase down a man in a 1994 Honda, get him to roll down his window, then punch him in the nose.

Haynesworth, it would seem, has little reason to be angry with the world, let alone a poor schlub in an aging Civic who may have cut him off. After all, in two years in Washington, the pouty Haynesworth has played like a dog but still collected about $500,000 per tackle, thanks to an embarrassingly hefty contract.

Of course, one might also ask why Haynesworth, upon signing a $100 million deal with the Washington Redskins, would suddenly turn into a complete jerk?

(Ha ha — trick question: Haynesworth was a jerk way before he inked that 2009 contract.)

Seeking a clue to mankind’s inexplicable nature (and looking for a way to end this column), I did a Web search for quotes on human behavior.

After plodding through the wisdom of the ages, I found myself preferring the simple sagacity of a 1990 beer ad:

Why ask why?

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

An impressive lineup

Good thing Albert Haynesworth makes so much money. He just might need every dollar.

The big-earning-but-not-so-hard-working Washington linesman is facing a few legal challenges. According to a Thom Loverro story in The Washington Examiner:

* He’s being sued by a woman who claims Haynesworth’s reckless driving caused the accident that left her disabled.

* He’s being sued by a Tennessee bank for not paying back a $2.38 million loan.

* He’s being sued by an exotic dancer for $10 million for allegedly impregnating her.

* And his former wife has been in court charging him with not paying her health insurance or their children's bills.

On top of that, his current team reportedly is considering going after the $21 million bonus they paid him earlier this year.

Haynesworth has made his employers very unhappy; but it appears he’ll make his lawyers very happy — assuming, of course, he actually pays them …

Friday column: Maturity issues and other problems

Two weeks ago, I wrote about the graciousness of Armando Galarraga. Last week, I wrote about the remarkable life of John Wooden. Will we have three uplifting columns in a row?

No, thank goodness. OK, let’s not thank goodness; let’s thank Vince Young, the University of Southern California and Albert Haynesworth.

Young, the former University of Texas star, now the quarterback and wannabe leader of the NFL’s Tennessee Titans, got involved Sunday in a way-past-bedtime scuffle at a … wait for it … strip club.

Video surveillance showed Young getting violent after a man made derogatory remarks about UT and flashed an upside-down “Hook ’em, Horns” sign.

Let me repeat that. Young, who has been attempting to show the Titans he’s no longer the pouting, immature jock who couldn’t stand to be booed and whose erratic behavior had his mother worried about his emotional stability, attacked a man because of an upside-down rah-rah sign.

What’s that sound, you ask? Yes, I heard it, too. I’m pretty sure that was Titans head coach Jeff Fisher, still sighing.

Of course, the team Young’s Longhorns beat in the 2006 BCS title game — Southern Cal — has its own problems, thanks in part to that game’s other marquee talent — Reggie Bush.

According to the NCAA, Bush and his family received extra benefits — hundreds of thousands of dollars have been alleged. As a result, the football program has been slammed with major sanctions, including forfeiture of victories, loss of scholarships and four years probation.

The severity of the punishments is linked to the finding of a lack of institutional control at the school, which also was hit for special benefits provided another “I want it now” jock, former basketball star O.J. Mayo.

Mayo’s coach, Tim Floyd, who was accused of being his own bagman in securing Mayo’s services for the Trojans, is long gone from the scene. Also gone is football coach Pete Carroll, who in the offseason suddenly developed an itch to jump to the NFL.

Of course, Carroll insists, the prospect of major NCAA penalties had nothing to do with his decision.

And I believe Carroll; sure, I do. But, then, I believe BP will get a handle on this oil thing any minute now.

Speaking of spurting crude, it’s hard to imagine an athlete leaking more credibility at the moment than Haynesworth.

The Washington defensive tackle was a no-show at practice this week. It seems Haynesworth, who already has collected $32 million on the $100 million contract he signed last year, is miffed at the team’s switch from a 3-4 defense to a 4-3 alignment, and wants to be traded.

Even his teammates are supporting the team’s attempt to reclaim some of the money they’ve paid to Haynesworth, who was a bust in his first year with the club.

Say this for Haynesworth: He might be a selfish, childish jerk, but at least the former Tennessee Volunteer waited until he turned pro to get paid.

Um … as far as we know.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.