Oh, woe is him

So.

Big Ten commish Jim Delany moans, “If only we knew then what we knew now,” the conference would have handled the suspension of five Ohio State Buckeyes differently.

Well, yes. If they had known that Jim Tressel — the most prominent and successful of their coaches — was a blatant liar, and that that fact would come to light, and that the NCAA would be positioning itself to come down on the Buckeyes program like the Wrath of God, then sure, I imagine they WOULD have done something different.

But, in fact, they HAD enough knowledge to do something different. The knowledge that five players had violated NCAA rules should have been enough for the conference to refuse to support OSU's request to delay suspending the five until this season.

Of course, that stand for integrity would have cost the Buckeyes the services of 5 key players in the Sugar Bowl, which would have cost interest in the game and — more importantly — money. Money, not knowledge, is the reason the conference didn’t act with more propriety.

Delany can spare us the “Oh, if we only knew …”

As American as they come

Frank McCourt says baseball commissioner Bud Selig’s appointment of a representative to oversee the day-to-day operations of the Dodgers is “un-American.”

Actually, judging from recent corporate history, a person in authority acting to prevent a business train wreck IS rather un-American. So, from one perspective, McCourt is right.

On the other hand, getting irresponsibly leveraged in order to buy a business you can’t afford? American.

Putting relatives on you payroll but not asking them to work? American.

Siphoning money from your company to support a lavish lifestyle? American.

Causing more financial instability by pursuing a very dirty and very public divorce? American.

All of which makes Frank McCourt very American, indeed.

A no-brainer? No, a brainer

In Friday’s column in The New Mexican, I facetiously search for signs of intelligent life in the Universe of Sport.

Surprisingly (not), I find none.

IF I had more room to write in the print edition, however, I would have ended the column in a different manner.

I would have pointed to Texas pitcher Colby Lewis, who had to decide whether attending the birth of Elizabeth Grace Lewis, his second child, was more important than making a routine start for the Rangers.

Let’s see: a one-time, unrepeatable event vs. something that happens every fifth day in a starter’s baseball career?

Lewis chose the birth.

If I had had the space in my “search for intelligent life,” I would have referenced Colby and written:

"Ah, there we are."

Leaders of men

Let’s talk weasels.

Weasel No. 1 is Jim Tressel, who, in case anyone has forgotten, covered up NCAA violations by his players, in part by flat-out lying.

Then when caught, offered a lame excuse.

Then offered a lame apology.

Now that the NCAA has indicated to Ohio State that it didn’t appreciate Tressel’s prevarication and may be coming to Columbus with a hammer, The Vest is avoiding the press more than usual, recently ducking out the side door at an awards banquet and escaping into a waiting car.

(Engine running? The account I read didn't say, but I wouldn't be surprised).

With the pressure rising on OSU, athletic director Gene Smith — Weasel No. 2 — is using a familiar dodge, saying the school would have "no comments until the case is resolved."

And once the case IS resolved — especially if it’s resolved by Tressel’s firing — watch Smith try to duck questions by saying “it’s time to move forward.”

Friday column: SETI better get more funding

Now that budget woes have forced the SETI Institute in California to shut down the efforts of its Allen Telescope Array to find intelligent life in the universe, what are we going to do?

Well, I'll do my bit by looking for demonstrable cerebral function in my particular bailiwick, the Universe of Sport.

Let's start with a peek at America's entrepreneurs, who have been called the "proverbial wellspring of innovation" and "the key building blocks of our nation." Let's start specifically with the geniuses of Kage Games, who have developed a smartphone application that glorifies dogfighting.

Yes, dogfighting,

The app, Dog Wars, allows players to feed, water, train and fight their virtual dogs against other canines. Why in the name of Michael Vick would anyone think this a good idea?

Vick has condemned it, as have the Humane Society and others. Kage Games is undaunted. A Kage Games website essentially says, Hey, it's just a game.

"Perhaps one day we will make gerbil wars or beta fish wars for people who can't understand fantasy role play games," the site says.

And speaking of fantasy role-play games, how about a domestic-violence game or a bullying game? Wait, I've got it. How about a game called Rampage, where people can dynamite companies that make offensive apps?

Hey, it's just a game.

OK, I guess that search failed. Next, I'll try ... well, why not that repository of timeless wisdom — parents?

Such as Robert Rodriguez.

Rodriguez, perturbed that his sophomore spawn was left off the playoff roster of Miami Springs Senior High School in Florida, discussed the decision with coach Jason Moris in a cool, respectful manner that demonstrated not just intelligence but restraint.

Just kidding.

What he actually did, according to reports, was hit Moris in the face, repeatedly.

As if that were not enough to demonstrate his acumen, he then called the cops to try to have Moris arrested.

Problem: Rodriguez is 6 feet, 300 pounds; Moris is 5-3, 140 pounds. Another problem: Rodriguez's face was unmarked; Moris' face looked like it had been through a meat grinder.

Next problem for Rodriguez: Finding bail money and a creative lawyer.

No sign of intelligent life in the gamer or the parent; let's try an athlete.

Such as Florida Gator star cornerback Janoris Jenkins.

Jenkins, arrested and charged with fighting and resisting arrest in 2009 (police felt obliged to use a stun gun on him) was nicked again early this year on a marijuana charge. In both cases, he accepted plea deals.

Saturday, the senior was spotted smoking a marijuana stogie — in public — and arrested again.

Now, he is a former Florida Gator. Furthermore, you can expect his NFL draft prospects to tumble — along with the value of his first pro contract, assuming he gets one.

That was one expensive cigar. That was one dumb move.

SETI, please come back.

How's that again?

Steve Soboroff, the Dodgers' newly hired vice chairman for ... uh .. flackery, apparently, not only blasts Major League Baseball for taking control of the financially shaky team, but says — and I quote — "We need more people like Frank McCourt."

This is the same McCourt, I take it, that let Dodger Stadium go from family friendly to an environment more fitting an Oakland Raiders game. The same McCourt that diverted $100 million from the team to support the lavish lifestyle for him and his now-former wife.

We need more people like Frank McCourt?

Sure we do.

And we need more investment advisers like Bernie Madoff.

Friday column: Karma, some twits and tweets

So.

The Tampa Bay Rays knew Manny Ramirez was a two-time offender of baseball's policy against performance-enhancing drugs, but decided to sign the aging slugger anyway.

And they profess surprise when he's busted a third time?

"He was disappointed in himself," Rays manager Joe Maddon said.

Really? Exactly how did he disappoint himself? By injecting himself in spite of all the Juicers Anonymous meetings he attended? By getting caught?

Ramirez, who retired at 38 rather than accept MLB's 100-game suspension, phoned Maddon — but not to say he was sorry.

"I wasn't looking for an apology necessarily," Maddon said. "I wasn't. He spoke to me kind of like, man to man, person to person, manager to player. So I didn't think he owed me an apology."

Maddon's right. The Rays weren't owed an apology — they got precisely what they deserved.

• • •

So.

Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested and charged with shoplifting six shirts worth $59.88 from a Cincinnati Macy's.

Yes, this is the same Leake who got a signing bonus of $2.3 million just two years ago and now makes $425,000 a season.

Ah, but we have an excuse — or at least a story.

A report has emerged claiming that what Leake did wasn't theft — just a clumsy attempt at an exchange, an "exchange" that reportedly included cutting the price tags off the shirts.

Well, if the latest story is true, there's a word for Leake: dumb.

If the latest story is false, there's another word for him: pathological.

• • •

So.

A trio of high-schoolers from Columbus, Ga. — including top prospect Deion Bonner — are invited on a recruiting visit to the University of Georgia.

They get the usual recruiting royal treatment and are allowed to roam the school's football complex — including the locker rooms — un-chaperoned.

Why not? It's not as though you have to worry about high school kids pilfering from a program they might soon play for. Right?

Wrong.

Bonner, Marquise Hawkins and an unidentified juvenile were arrested by police and charged with theft. They're accused of stealing iPods and iPhones — oh, and a pair of Nike slippers — from the lockers of seven Bulldog football players. Estimated value: $1,330.

While the police are sure they have the culprits, they don't have all the stolen merchandise. Apparently the items were peddled rather quickly. And why not? In the Twitter age, it doesn't take long to find buyers for your ill-gotten gains.

But Twitter ... Twitter ... something about that ...

Oh yeah: It's not exactly secret communication. Police who nabbed Bonner and the others credit social media for the quick arrest.

Apparently, then, not only was Bonner unprincipled enough to steal from possible future teammates, he was clueless enough to advertise the fact by tweeting.

Some are saying this indicates Bonner's unsuitability to attend a major college program.

I don't know — he looks like prime student-athlete material to me.

The best policy

In an HBO Real Sports report, four former Auburn football players said they were paid thousands in cash, and two of them said that the money they received swayed them in their choice of schools.

As a junior college player, defensive end Raven Gray, pictured above, received $2,500 to $3,000 to ensure he would attend Auburn.

“Loyalty is the key,” Gray told Real Sports. “I believe in that a whole lot. This man give me money. I’m going to be loyal to him and go up to Auburn.”

Stanley McClover committed to Ohio State, but changed his mind when a lot of Auburn cash crossed his palms.

"I literally almost passed out; I couldn’t believe it was true,” McClover said. “I felt like I owed them.”

Ah, yes, loyalty. The tale of these two “honest” former student-athletes reminds me of Ambrose Bierce’s definition of an honest politician: “An honest politician,” he said, “is one who when he is bought will stay bought.”

My savings account didn't look like that when I was 10 (heck, it doesn't look like that now)

So.

Ten-year-old Cliff Forrest Jr. took $8,500 out of his savings account to buy William "The Refrigerator" Perry's Super Bowl XX ring — which the financially strapped Perry sold years ago — and give it back to him.

The Pittsburgh lad decided to give Perry the ring after learning the former Bear lineman suffers from Guillain-Barre syndrome, an autoimmune disease that can cause paralysis.

"He only played in one Super Bowl," Cliff explained in an interview. "I thought he would want it more than I did."

I’m not sure what’s more surprising: Cliff’s generosity or the fact the 10-year-old had a savings account with at least $8,500 in it.

Keeping his options open

Ron Artest didn't like Dallas owner Mark Cuban saying he wanted the Lakers forward to have the ball in his hands more and be forced to make decisions in the triangle offense.

"He said too much," Artest said. "We'll probably see them in the playoffs. He's a smart man. Let's see if he's right. He's got confidence in his team. I don't feel as if they can beat us."

Still, Artest said he's willing to work with the billionaire, who owns — among other things — HDNet.

"I'm going to go into his office to see if I can get a show on his network," Artest said.

Let’s see: Cuban expressed an interest doing a show with Charlie Sheen. Now Artest wants to work with Cuban. Is it possible? Sheen and Artest ... together?

That’s either can’t-miss TV or can't-watch TV. Not sure which.

Friday column: Violence mystifies; not so words that follow

Where does random violence come from?

Fear, ignorance, pride, deprivation, our so-called “reptilian” brain?

Search me.

There are instances where, to my simple mind, instances of violence are just inexplicable.

The multiple killings in Afghanistan in the wake of a Florida pastor’s burning of the Quran, for instance.

Or, closer to home, the severe beating of a Giants fan on Opening Day in Los Angeles.

On March 31, following L.A.’s 2-1 victory, Bryan Stow of Santa Cruz was jumped on the way to his car by two men wearing Dodgers clothing. Knocked to the ground, the 42-year-old paramedic hit his head on the pavement, suffering a severe skull fracture and bad bruising to his frontal lobe.

In hopes of relieving pressure because of brain swelling, doctors placed Stow in a medically induced coma, and a piece of his skull was removed. Now, Stow is said to be showing signs of “brain injury and dysfunction” and faces a long recovery process, at best.

The only apparent motive for the attack on Stow was the Giants gear he was sporting. Think about that. Two men pummel a man they don’t know — in this case, a father of two — changing forever not only his life, but also the lives of all those close to him because he’s wearing another team’s colors.

Are there other factors? Bound to be — here’s guessing that alcohol is one of them — and perhaps they’ll come to light if the attackers are arrested. A reward of $100,000 has been offered.

The Dodgers contributed $25,000 to the offer; that was the good part of the team’s response to the incident. There was also a poor one.

“It is extremely unfortunate that this incident took place on what was otherwise a great day at Dodger Stadium for tens of thousands of fans,” said Josh Rawitch, the Dodgers’ vice president of communications.

Yes, Josh, by all means, put the savage beating in perspective for us. We’ll all feel better.

Rawitch may be paid to bleed Dodger blue, but it’s Stow’s red blood we’re concerned about; Rawitch is just trying to sidestep the fact that there have been questions about security at Dodger Stadium, including the amount of alcohol served.

It reminds me — in a way — of “Pastor” Jones’ response to the stupid, senseless but all-to-predictable violence that followed his burning of a Quran.

Jones called the killings “very tragic” but accepted no responsibility for them, even though he had been warned that such incidents would certainly follow a burning.

“As we say, we live in America and people are free to do as they please within the confines of the law,” Jones blogged.
Well, bully for Pastor Jones’ standing on his rights — a stand that other people paid for with their lives.

As I said, violence often is inexplicable to me. Not so comments that follow violence. They’re frequently, as in these cases, manifestly self-serving.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.