Ah, David, that’s the way to do it …

For someone who has only now been revealed as a drug cheat, David Ortiz sure has the patter down. (That’s him at left above in happier days with fellow juicer Manny Ramirez.)

News he was on the list of Major League Baseball players who tested positive for banned substances in 2003 “blindsided” him, he said after Thursday’s afternoon’s 8-5 Boston win over Baltimore. He can’t comment until he gets “to the bottom of this.”

Lovely.

And the gi-normous sunglasses he used to prevent us from seeing his eyes as he spoke — nice touch.

And it’s not just the patter and the look he has down — he’s also got the strategy. Keep hitting game-changing home runs for the Red Sox, David, and no one in Beantown will even care about your use of banned substances, or your lies. After all, Yankee lovers are giving A-Rod a pass — 19 homers in 247 at-bats will make fans do that.

As for your search “for answers,” let me posit for a possible one: You’re a drug cheat and you got caught. Period.

Bobby, Bobby Bobby …

I guess Florida State coach Bobby Bowden really cares about retiring as the all-time wins leader in college football.

How much does he care?

Reportedly enough to look for proof of what he says were 22 victories he earned coaching South Georgia Junior College from 1956-58.

Really.

Bowden, 79, is a single win behind Penn State’s 82-year-old Joe Paterno (383-382) but the NCAA intends to strip FSU of 14 wins over academic fraud involving some of Bowden’s players. With Bowden ostensibly set to step down by 2011, there's no way for him to make up that gap.

Unless ...

Bowden successfully petitioned the NCAA to accept 28 wins he earned from 1959-62 at Samford University, known then as Howard College. But junior college victories, I believe, are bit of a stretch.

Friday column: Bad things happen in the gap between tale and truth

A gap lies between authentic and inauthentic — between what a person purports to be and what a person is — and that gap is a bad place to be.

Ask Mark Sanford.

Or Eliot Spitzer.

Or John Edwards.

No, those we find in such gaps aren’t always politicians. We also find athletes there — Hello, David Ortiz — and teachers and clergy and journalists and … well, you get the point.

In fact, I’m not sure it’s possible in this life for any person and persona to be 100 percent aligned. But when it comes to authenticity gaps, there are rifts and then there are chasms.

Lance Armstrong saying he was “really happy, perfectly happy” to serve as a support rider for Alberto Contador at this year’s Tour de France — when he clearly hates the Spaniard’s guts — that’s a rift in authenticity.

A 24-year-old woman claiming to be a teenage cancer victim in need of funds for a life-saving operation in a scam that fools Armstrong — a hero to many cancer patients — that’s a chasm.

“Jonathan Jay White” was supposedly a 15-year-old from Idaho with brain cancer. On a blog, “Jonathan” said he wanted to become a doctor and perform “medical miracles.” But first he needed a miracle himself, an operation he didn’t have the money for. People stepped up to help.

Except there was no Jonathan, no cancer. There was Melissa Ann Rice from Ammon, Idaho, and into the crevasse she created a number of people tumbled, including Armstrong and several other celebrities with good hearts.

The chasm also claimed cancer charities and regular folk who sent in donations. Other victims include the thousands of people who followed the boy’s story on his blog.

Also victimized, of course, is anyone truly needing help who might not get it now because people will wonder, “How do I know this story isn’t a scam?”

Large gaps in authenticity are pernicious. As in earthquakes, damage fans out in every direction. But damage is also significant at the epicenter. Such gaps are openings for evil, whether one thinks of such evil in theological or psychological terms.

The week “Jonathan” was supposed to arrive in Arizona for surgery — after receiving an encouraging Twitter message from Armstrong — Rice contacted the charities and confessed fraud. Days later Melissa Ann Rice was found dead in her car, an apparent suicide.

The last line in a report about her death read, “Neighbors in her apartment complex … said they didn’t know her.”

I’m quite certain they didn’t. My guess is that a person creating that large of a divide between tale and truth isn’t known even to herself.


Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs …

According to the New York Daily News, Mets VP for player development Tony Bernazard recently “removed his shirt and challenged the Double-A players to a fight during a postgame tirade.”

If that’s not bizarre enough, Bernazard also allegedly nearly came to blows with Mets star closer Francisco Rodriguez on the team bus, and erupted at another Mets executive with a public, profanity-laced tirade “as scouts and patrons watched in disbelief.”

It’s worth noting the Mets have lost 16 of their last 23 games.

A bobblehead, indeed

Months ago, health care provider Kaiser Permanente was set to help sponsor Wednesday's Manny Ramirez bobblehead giveaway at Dodger Stadium.

Then came Manny’s drug suspension.

Then came some second thoughts.

Then came Kaiser’s withdrawal from the big night.

“As a health-care organization, we thought it was necessary to pull out of our sponsorship of the promotion when he was suspended for violating baseball's drug policy,” a Kaiser Permanente spokesman said.

No matter.

According to the Los Angeles Times, Kaiser was replaced by San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino which, considering the risk the Dodgers are taking by banking of the volatile and selfish Ramirez, is only too appropriate.

And yes, I know Ramirez hit a grand slam Wednesday, sending the Dodger faithful into ecstasy. I remind them the Red Sox fans loved Manny, too ... until they didn't. And made excuses for him ... until they couldn't.

A pitcher's confession

Recommended reading: Former big-leager Jim Parque’s first-person mea culpa about taking human growth hormone.

Parque explains why and how he did it.

Writes Parque: “I cannot and will not ever speak for other players, as this is my story, my life and my career. The decisions I made are mine to deal with, and I take full responsibility for them.”

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/1681419,CST-SPT-parque23.article#

Friday column: It’s perp versus pro — and no contest

You’d have to call Terrance Allan Walcott unlucky.

Very unlucky.

The precise morning the29-year-old decides to grab a purse and laptop from a woman walking in downtown Edmonton, a pro football player happens to be driving by:

* Before 7 a.m.

* Without music playing.

* Not in a good mood.

The lack of music was important, for it allowed Kitwana Jones of the Edmonton Eskimos to hear the screams.

“I just see this guy running with, like, two purses in his hand,” Jones said. “And I seen this little old lady, she’s just running behind him and screaming for dear life, yelling ‘Help, help, help.’ So I was looking and said, ‘Oh man, is this woman really about to chase this guy?’ ”

The bad mood is important because his vexation helped propel the player down the street after Walcott, who had a 40- to 50-yard head start.

“It was mad-early in the morning. I was upset — for real,” said Jones, who was on his way to a pancake breakfast with Alberta legislators, which probably didn’t enhance his mood. “I didn’t even get a good stretch in or nothing. I had to chase this guy, and I’m mad.”

Already the victim of ill fortune, Walcott added to his woes with what can only be called extremely poor judgment.

Said Jones: “ … I’m like, ‘Why you out here trying to rob old women who are really trying to make an honest living going to work?’ And he just laughed.”

Walcott’s flight already had earned him a hard tackle and a forearm to the head; his inappropriate mirth earned him another forearm, along with a kick. And in case you were wondering, no, the police aren’t planning to charge Jones with a crime for the extracurricular activity.

The luck of the robbery victim was significantly better than that of Walcott. Before Jones took chase, the woman actually was pursuing the perp, a frightening scene Jones witnessed from his car.

“I’m like, ‘No, don’t chase him down the alley.’ Know what I’m saying? Anything could happen to her.”

That anything didn’t is attributable to Jones, whose actions made him a local celebrity but who insists, “I ain’t no hero. I just seen someone who needed help and jumped in.”

Jones is 6-foot, 227-pound defensive end who ran a 4.39-second-40-yard-dash at Hampton University, so I take his point: The perp was overmatched and from that perspective, Jones, indeed, is not a hero.

On the other hand, in an athletic world populated with Pacman Jones, Matt Jones, Plaxico Burress, Mike Danton, Michael Vick, et al, Kitwana Jones will certainly serve as a hero until a real one comes along.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.