Friday column: Conferences and money, money and conferences

So.

An audit shows the Department of Justice overspent just a smidge on food at conferences.

Like $16 per muffin overspend. Like $5 per meatball overspend.

Well, lawyers gotta eat, right?

The department’s inspector general reviewed 10 conferences held between October 2007 and September 2009. The conclusion:

“Some conferences featured costly meals, refreshments, and themed breaks that we believe were indicative of wasteful or extravagant spending.”

Like beef Wellington appetizers at $7.32 a pop. Speaking of pop, a “themed break” of popcorn, Cracker Jack and candy bars cost — you’re sitting down, yes? — 32 bucks a shot.

Surprised? Of course not. That’s what happens when people (in this case, bureaucrats) spend money that’s not theirs (in this case, ours).

But I don’t want to talk about money. I want to talk about college football.

No, about money.

No, about college football.

Wait? What am I thinking? Talking about college football is talking about money.

The 68 teams that comprise the six largest conferences made $1.1 billion in 2010, and many schools are looking to make more, mainly by establishing so-called mega-conferences.

Conferences are breaking up and re-forming, not unlike amoebas.

As you’ll recall from your high-school biology days, “the amoeba moves by continually changing its body shape, forming extensions called pseudopods [false feet] into which its body then flows. The pseudopods also are used to surround and capture food — mainly bacteria, algae, and other protozoa.” (Thank you, encyclopedia.com.)

But whereas amoebas move to capture food, football schools move to capture money, television money. Thus:

Nebraska to the Big 10, Colorado and Utah to the Pac-10, Boise State, Fresno State and Nevada to the Mountain West, Texas A&M to the SEC, Pittsburgh and Syracuse to the ACC, etc., etc. Texas and Oklahoma also may leave the Big 12 and, despite recent pronouncements to the contrary, perhaps to the Pac-whatever-integer-it-is-now.

That would be something: Texas in the same conference with Oregon, which is over 2,000 miles away. On the other hand, if Texas Christian can play in the Big East — which it will beginning next season — why not?

The losers in all this are the smaller football schools — the Kansas States and Iowas of the world, say — and fans who care about traditional rivalries, many of which date back to the early part of last century. (The rivalries, I mean … though some of the fans do, too.)

But while rivalries and tradition and, of course, concern over increased travel time for the student-athletes, surely count for something, that something can’t begin to compete with the lure of increased dollars.

Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim put it this way:

“If conference commissioners were the founding fathers of this country, we would have Guatemala, Uruguay and Argentina in the United States,” he said during a speech to the Monday Morning Quarterback Club in Birmingham, Ala. “This audience knows why we are doing this. There’s two reasons: money and football.”

He’s right, of course, but also wrong. College football and money are the same thing.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

The Anti-Fan will be moving to Sundays in November.