Hey, lackey work is hard to find

Ed Joyner's not giving up his night job without a fight. No, sirree.

The Pennsylvania state trooper, barred from working as a bodyguard-gopher for the Mr. Ben Roethlisberger, esquire, wants his bosses to allow him to resume his illustrious part-time employment.

I guess the thrill of standing guard outside a dingy bathroom while a liquored-up quarterback tries to bop a liquored-up coed is difficult to duplicate.

Friday column: Well, yes, Lawrence, we think we do

In his head-on mug shot from a November arrest in Miami for allegedly leaving the scene of an accident, Lawrence Taylor has a hint of a smile. In his profile shot, his head is up, his chin is thrust forward. The photo fairly screams, Don’t you know who I am?

The word “know” was prominent at his arraignment hearing following the Hall of Fame football player’s most recent arrest — that on charges of solicitation and rape of an underage girl.

When Taylor’s demonstrative lawyer — think Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad — protested the judge’s granting the victim, identified only as “CF,” an order of protection against Taylor, the mouthpiece claimed, “The complainant is a stranger to my client. … Mr. Taylor doesn’t know this person’s name, doesn’t know anything … about her … He doesn’t know who CF is.”

Well, if the police are to be believed, Taylor does know CF — in the biblical sense. But in another sense, Taylor’s legal beagle is correct: His client didn’t know CF — not as a person, not as a fellow human being — and didn’t have the slightest interest in doing so.

Taylor didn’t care to find out that CF was a 16-year-old runaway forced into tricking by a manslaughter parolee who both drugged her and beat her before sending her to pleasure the 51-year-old former linebacker. If police are correct, Taylor didn’t care that this girl showed up at his room at the Suffern, N.Y., Holiday Inn with a black eye and other facial injuries.

No, Taylor wasn’t that interested in the girl who entered his room. Why would he be? By his own admission, he’s been with prostitutes before — sometimes six a day. Ah, but that was back in his drug-using, reporter-choking, deadbeat-dad days. Before his “rebirth,” a rebirth that led to his becoming a spokesman for NutriSystem Inc. and being featured on Dancing with the Stars.

Not only was his image rehabilitated, he was, too — or so went the spin. Last week, referring to his client’s troubled past, agent Mark Lepselter said, “That was the old Lawrence Taylor. This is the new Lawrence Taylor.”

Well, if the defense story is to be believed, the new Lawrence Taylor doesn’t have intercourse with prostitutes — he just pays them $300 to be there while he does the uh … trick … himself. Whatever the truth, Taylor already has cost himself the NutriSystem gig, and I doubt he’ll be featured on a family-hour TV show anytime soon.

Then there’s the little matter that a conviction could cost Taylor four years of his freedom. “I’ve never seen him this distraught,” Lepselter said, and I believe him.

Taylor’s head-on booking mug from this latest arrest is nothing like the ones taken in Florida. There is no smile, no chin thrust, no sense of the “don’t you know who I am?” attitude.

Perhaps that’s because he fears that with this latest fall, we do, indeed.

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.

Let's hear it for Mom

You gotta love Amy Ziegler, mother of Steve Consalvi, the 17-year-old who jumped onto the field at a recent Phillies game in Philadelphia and got Tasered for his trouble.

Why?

While others dithered over whether the use of the Taser was necessary and proper, Ziegler concentrated on the event that led to the zapping — namely, her son’s actions.

Quoth the mother: "It was stupid. It was just absolutely stupid."

Thank you, Ms. Ziegler.

"Look into my eyes ... deep into my eyes ..."

So.

The Cincinnati Bengals are close to signing Adam “Pacman” Jones. And they aren’t worried about his legal baggage (six arrests and involvement in a dozen incidents requiring police intervention since 2005) nor his professional baggage (numerous disruptions and a 17-month NFL suspension).

Why?

Because, Bengals defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer said, “He looked me in the eye and shook my hand and said, 'Coach, I just want to play.' He seems very humble. He seems to understand."

Wow. He looked him in the eye and seemed very humble. Of course, George W. Bush looked Vladimir Putin in the eye and declared he had a good soul.

As a character check, gazing into someone’s eyes and listening to what they tell you perhaps isn’t quite as effective as noticing what they’ve done.

As I expect the Bengals will find out ...

Rex's credo

So.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan says he believes Santonio Holmes’ latest story. “Totally” believes it, in fact.

Holmes recently was met by police at the gate after reportedly failing to obey an order to turn off his iPod on a flight from Newark to Pittsburgh.

According to Ryan, Holmes’ story was a tale of simple miscommunication, and he had, in fact, complied perfectly.

This is the same Holmes whose repeatedly boorish and selfish off-field behavior led his former employers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, to dump him for a fifth-round draft pick despite the fact he was their top receiver.

Yet Ryan says when Holmes peddled his latest version of reality, “I totally believed him.”

Now Ryan may be many things, but he’s not stupid. So pardon me if I suggest that Ryan doesn’t actually believe in Holmes’ veracity. What he believes in is Holmes’ ability to separate from defensive backs and catch the ball. What he believes in is Holmes Super Bowl-MVP-caliber talent.

Nothing more.

We’re not particularly optimistic

So.

According to Rick Pitino, his former college coach, Antoine Walker is “eyeing an NBA comeback.”

Well, as Walker has agreed to pay a trio of Vegas casinos $900,000 to settle three bad-check charges, it’s clear he needs the money. So he’s got motivation.

On the other hand, Walker was a little chubby even in his All-Star days and was never known for his work ethic. Now at age 33, two years after retirement, he’s going whip himself into NBA shape? This is someone who made some $110 million from NBA contracts alone and now is in debt. So I’m guessing “self-discipline” isn’t his middle name.

Here’s a prediction: The “comeback” goes nowhere.

Friday column: Is jolt of reality a bad thing?

Hey, all you fans who think the game is about you. This week, a Philly police officer offered a reminder that it’s not.

The reminder — 50,000 volts worth — began a debate not on what should be done to keep the fannies of narcissistic ticket holders in their seats but on whether the Tasering of a 17-year-old was excessive force.

Among those answering in the affirmative was Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell, who called the action “a big mistake.”

“There’s no need to use Tasers on fans who run on the field,” Rendell said. “We should just have enough personnel out there to surround them, take them off the field and put them in jail.”

Backing Rendell was Mary Catherine Roper, an attorney for the American Civil Liberties Union in Philadelphia, who said she didn’t understand why the officer had to use a Taser.

“How long can he really run around out there?” Roper said of the fan. “In this situation, he’s not dangerous, he’s not getting away.”

Well, in this situation, as it turns out, Roper would be right. Steve Consalvi wasn’t a danger, as it turns out. Did the officer know that for a fact when he launched his dart at the fleeing teen? He did not.

Same goes for the security at the Monica Seles-Magdalena Maleeva tennis match in 1993, which didn’t know whether Günter Parche was dangerous when he ran onto the court in Hamburg, Germany.

Same goes for the security at the Kansas City-Chicago baseball game at Comiskey Park in 2002, which didn’t know whether William Ligue Jr. and his 15-year-old son were dangerous when they jumped onto the field and moved toward Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa.

Turns out they were.

Gamboa was beaten up.

Seles was stabbed with a 9-inch blade. She could have been killed; as it was, her life and career were forever altered.

The people most affected when someone decides he needs “a once in a lifetime experience,” in Consalvi’s words, are the players, and if comments I’ve seen the last few days are any indication, athletes and coaches are not particularly sympathetic to Rendell and Roper’s view.

Said Seattle Mariners pitcher Cliff Lee: “You never know what their intentions are. They have probably been drinking, or maybe have taken drugs. You don’t know what they are going to do.”

Said Cardinals manager Tony La Russa: “If somebody comes up there and does some damage, they’re going to be second-guessing not doing anything. I just think it’s acceptable, because it’s a good deterrent.”

The Phillies have decided to handle such cases sans cop, unless one is suddenly deemed necessary. Of course, by the time one is deemed necessary, it might be too late. As long as proper guidelines are established and followed, why not keep the cop and his Taser in place?

Whose protection are we most concerned with here — the people who don’t belong on the field or the people who do?

Contact Jim Gordon at gjames43@msn.com.